God Blessed This Broken Road

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”


Psalms 34:18 ESV

This weekend we are celebrating a big milestone in our family.  My son is turning 1 year old.  My heart is bursting with joy at the thought of this event and it got me thinking to the journey that led me here…

As newlyweds my husband and I took the test and it was official – WE WERE EXPECTING! It was my very first pregnancy; I was so excited and nervous.  So many thoughts ran through my mind.  I remembered some college course that taught us about the drastic changes to the woman’s body during pregnancy; It left me traumatized but I looked past my fears and I imagined what my baby would look like and how my baby would act, I wondered would it be a boy or girl.  There was so much excitement at this time. We even started writing down name ideas and theme ideas.

We went to our first doctor’s appointment and by all accounts I was about 6 weeks pregnant. The doctor began the ultrasound and said we should be able to detect a heartbeat. With great anticipation we watched as the doctor showed us the ultrasound on the screen but then something happened or more accurately didn’t happen. There wasn’t a heartbeat, the doctor advised us to not be alarmed and to return in another week or so for another ultrasound. But from that moment I knew something was very wrong.  After a couple of weeks of more ultrasounds and appointments it was confirmed that I had miscarried.

Miscarriage.

About 15-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, most within the first 7 weeks.  The doctor explained to me that this was common and all I heard was that I was merely another statistic.  The facts did not help with the range of emotions I was experiencing.

The grief and the heartbreak was unexplainable.  For the first time in our new marriage my husband held me tight as I cried deeply.  It was so strange to me that I could feel so much sorrow and grief for someone I had never met.

It was such a physically and mentally draining experience, I do not ever wish upon anyone. I remember so many emotions going through my mind – Anger, frustration, hurt, and shame. I felt shame and guilt that my body was not able to carry a baby.  I felt that it was some how my fault. Did I do something to cause this?  Had I drank the wrong energy drink or too much coffee, was it because I liked to hold my laptop on my lap.  I struggled and wanted to know what I did to cause this?

Deep down one of my greatest desires was to have a child. I deeply wanted an opportunity to love, impart, teach, hug, cuddle, to walk hand in hand, and to protect.  I wondered if God punishing me for something in my past?  I “knew” the answer to the question but I began to question what I knew as fact for so long.   It was emotionally exhausting.

Have you ever been in a place in your life where you questioned the fundamentals of your faith? This is where I found myself.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”


Psalms 34:18 ESV

The psalmist David knew of grief, pain, hurt, shame.  His words provided me comfort and a promise that I held on to during this time. He, like me, had experienced loss and shame.  His words resonated deeply.  I tried to lean into God and seek answers but it felt difficult to pray.  I grieved in silence hoping that God would hear my silent cries and heartache.

Time passed and life went on around me.  This isn’t exactly the news that you go around sharing with everyone, so I kept it to myself.  One of my biggest fears was developing anger or bitterness in my heart.  I began to pray that God would not let any of these emotions take root in my heart.   I’ve lived with a lot of anger before and I did not want to return to that place.

Then something exciting happened, my sister announced she was pregnant with her second baby.  I recall so distinctly praying to God to allow me to genuinely rejoice in this news and for the first time in months I felt a peace only God can provide. He began healing my heart and did not let any ugly emotions settle in.  I was able to celebrate life and celebrate my new baby nephew.  There wasn’t any anger or bitterness towards God or any envy towards all the expecting mamas around me.  I knew that God had blessed me with babies to love and care for whether they were nieces and nephews or my own.

“You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.”

Isaiah 26:3

I felt peace, genuine joy and love at the thought of another baby in our family.  This was a turning point for me.  Many times our source of grief can become a resting place. We become familiar and comfortable with these emotions but we are meant to walk through the valley and not make camp there.

What is your valley?

Our stories do not always return the happy endings we hope for and some stories take longer to write than others but regardless of where we find ourselves today we can find peace in Jesus.  In the midst of sadness and sorrow that seems unending, He can give us peace.  We may have to live with grief for a time but we do not have to live with bitterness, anger, or hopelessness.  Jesus can help us live content and joyful even in the midst of the grief.  They can coexist and we do not have to feel guilt about being joyful.

I pray that, if you are coping with grief, that God will give you eyes to see His good works in your life.   Life is too short to live in an emotional prison.   Lord help us to …

Celebrate life NOW!

Live in joy now!

Walk in peace now!

Hug our loved ones now!

To love with everything now!

God is not done writing my story and He is not done writing your story.

I am pleased to share that after a few long months another positive test came back and the Lord blessed me with my first baby, a healthy, beautiful and intelligent little girl.  Not long after that our son made his entrance into our world.  As I stare into their eyes I can’t help but see the hope and the promises of God fulfilled.

This is part of my story – we are not at the beginning and we are not at the end. We find ourselves somewhere in the middle where our beautiful story continues to unfold. I do not know what the next page will bring and I do not know what the rest of my story will look like but I do know that God holds our future in His hands.

Be encouraged and hold on tight to the promises of God. Today is not the ending of your story but just another page in a beautiful novel of your life.

Be encouraged that God is not finished with you yet.  This is not the end to your story.  I do not know how your story will unfold but I do know that the God of the universe holds your life in His hands.  What caused you pain, hurt and anguish will not be the defining point of your life.  There is more to YOUR story.

Over here in our homes we are learning to celebrate life big.   Whether it’s something as small the first day of Spring or something as great as a 1st birthday.  We choose to celebrate life now!

I hope you are encouraged to do the same today!

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

John 14:27 ESV

 

 

Always,

Misty

 

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